In this article Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein is a psychologist with over 23 years of experience specializing in child, adolescent, couples, and family therapy talks about the real source where most relationships become toxic.
Making your love last means stopping the toxic fighting
How sad it is to know that in so many homes the one sad truth remains - that the only folks we really wound are those we love the best. We continue to flatter those we hardly know, we please those who are passing us by, and deal furiously with those who love us best. How sad are these thoughtless actions?
In my relationship book, Why Can't You Read My Mind?, I discuss the real source of where most relationships become toxic--your own thoughts! The reader response from my recent post entitled, 9 Toxic Thoughts That Can Destroy Your Relationship. suggests that masses of couples are in big time emotional pain!
For sure, sadly, there a lot of walking wounded out there! By "walking wounded", I mean the tons of people who feel unfulfilled, or worse, emotionally neglected or abused, in their intimate relationships. It seems that everywhere we turn, we unfortunately see and hear about people who are unhappy and emotionally hurting, often severely, in their quest to feel loved. Most of these unfortunate couples fall prey to relationship toxicity overload.
Here are what I consider the top three signs of toxic relationships:
- Criticism and contempt. According to Dr. John Gottman, criticism and contempt are highly destructive in loving relationships. Signs of criticism and contempt may appear as your partner distastefully making fun of you. One female client of mine would tell her husband he was sexually inadequate in response to him criticizing her excessive spending habits. Quite a toxic mess, for sure! Contempt can also appear as one partner criticizing another in public. Acting superior also conveys a contemptuously, toxic message. To experience the one you love, or once loved, ripping you with incessant fault-finding barrages is highly demoralizing and emotionally unhealthy.
- Avoidance. Do silent treatment fueled arctic winds whip off her shoulder and knock you over, leaving you breathless and hopeless? Does he deprive you of physical affection but then complain that you are too needy? Do you feel that every time you try to clear the air, he disappears into it? Does he refuse to go to counseling? Avoidance is a very passive-agressive form of relationship toxicity and it often gets progressively worse over time.
- You feel hopelessly lost in negative energy. At the end of the day, and most of the time during it, do you feel increasingly beaten down, emotionally bankrupt and numb? Do you feel that the times you do positively connect with your intimate partner are all in vain, only to just get sucked up by overwhelming negative energy? Does it unfortunately seem that any initally promising positive changes are unsustainable?
Be honest with yourself
I certainly have seen far too many couples throw in the relationship towel way too early. At the same time, if your relationship is truly toxic, and your partner will not work with you to make changes, then it may be time to leave. Recognizing, and continuing to acknowledge, the persistent signs of a toxic relationship can empower you to get out of it. Above all, know your value! Prolonging the agony of a truly toxic situation will have deleterious effects on both you and your partner. When possible, see a qualified relationship counselor before making significant relationship decisions. Even if you decide to leave, it is important to learn your role in the toxic relationship dance so you don't do a repeat performance!